Do you really want to keep living like this????

Do you really want to keep living like this????

Because I know I don't.
It's not my choice for any of this.

I am trying to do better for myself mentally and it seems every time I open my mouth and say something, I get a snarky look back and a tone like I am saying something nasty, And I am not.

You more than likely don't realize you're doing it…… but you are
Your version of what has happened is probably much different from what I experience, I'm sure…..

I was told that I have chosen not to speak to you,  but I see it differently.

I haven't been mad…..

I have been waiting, yet you have no idea what you contributed to my reaction to your actions and honestly I don't care anymore.

All I know is that you have seen me at my absolute worst and broken. You have no idea what I have experienced throughout my lifetime that got me to my absolute worst and the dark hole I've been in. All I know is that I've been trying to care for myself in a way that I can function outside of that dark hole because I don't want to be there.

I have been working hard to bring happiness back into my life and thought maybe you would have seen that. See the change from where I was .

Sitting in a basement most days and nights…..…..
Not working…..…..
A daughter not wanting to be a part of my life or any of yours…………
Being around my siblings with their families……..
People asking me about her. What, where and how she is doing and not knowing………
Being told my daughter is nasty……..
Being lectured and blamed in situations when you don't know both sides of the  story……….
Being judged and yelled at for what I do in my life……….
Being told family is talking shit behind my back to others……..
Knowing that you and everyone else always thinks I am the problem all the time when I'm not……….
Such a good feeling……..

This doesn't even touch on the treatment I've experienced from others.

Can you appreciate how all these things may have an affect?

It's frustrating when the people closest to you don't understand Mental Health Anxiety, PTSD and Insomnia and the toll it can take on a person. What it takes to not be in that dark hole and what got me there in the first place. How situations and yearly celebrations can easily be a trigger for me and my emotions.

You know ….. I still have a lot of Love and Care in my heart but it seems nobody sees that part of me. All I want is peace and happiness and to be able to give and show that love when and where I can. That's it.

It's my own fault though because I always had this image of how our relationship would be as we grew.  But it's so, so far from that.

So, when shit happens I feel it a bit differently and deeper than most would. It is the way I'm built.

You yourself did some inner work years ago and you have used those tools in different relationships. I have seen and heard you be gentle using those tools. But I can't help but think that if it was someone else other than me, you would have answered and spoken to them with a different tone and facial expression.

All of you have called me out on my ‘tone’ of voice when I don't think I have a ‘tone’.
And yet….. every single one of you has it too and none of you seem to realize it.  All of you want me to take accountability for my missteps, ( even when it's not me ) and apologize and yet it never happens the other way around.

Why is that????

I can't be the only fuck up here because then that would make everyone else perfect.

I have felt the need to step up and fix many situations in my lifetime to make things better ( afraid of losing a friend, a connection, a relationship ) even when it wasn't mine to fix.
And when I don't fix them…… they always stay unfixed, like now and with others in the past.

Yet here I am again. ‘Fixing’

The same old cycle that never seems to break.

This is the Last time for me………
I'm getting off this hamster wheel.

I am Sorry for any of my wrong doings that may have hurt you.
And I Forgive anything in the past.

This doesn't mean that some relationships
are automatically repaired. I feel they are beyond that at this point.
It is me letting go of what I can not change or have control over.

It is time for everyone to choose and see their own faults, not mine and own up to them.
Where is your understanding and compassion?
Where is your accountability and apologies for your doings.

I remember being taught to say Thank you, I'm Sorry, to Forgive and Love One Another
I do and I have.
Why is it so hard for others to see and do the same???

Here's my Truth Now…….

I still struggle…….

I am practicing self care…….. I choose to take care of Me and My Mental Health First and foremost. Whatever that may look like for me.
Don't take it personal

I try to avoid confrontation…….To stay calm

When I experience chaos……. Quite is healing for me

I walk away…… to keep my peace and keep my head and mind in a good space

I let go…….
Because it's not mine to carry any longer. It's the only way I know how I Survive Now

I'm sorry I have been here as long as I have. I am grateful for the roof over my head.

I'm sorry that I allowed myself to react to your actions towards me.

I am trying to be better.

I wish you and everyone else the same.

Wishing Everyone Wonderfilled Moments Love, Comfort And Peace.

— Theresa Chuchmach